Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
