My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
