i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
