you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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