dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
