He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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