when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
