No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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