Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
