I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
