Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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