The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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