just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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