I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
