I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
