...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
