I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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