the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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