when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
