We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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