my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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