She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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