on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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