I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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