I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
