Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you mean i was at the winter classic?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.