The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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