He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
