Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
