What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
What drink are we having for lunch?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
