No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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