Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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