there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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