my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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