Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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