I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
