there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
