It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Randomize
