we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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