if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
