3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
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I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
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So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.