my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.