Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country