if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants