dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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