The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
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i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
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don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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