ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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