If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
