My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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