Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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