My hand turned me down
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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