Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I supernannyed him into submission
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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