i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm too high and old for this...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
