my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
