I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
COCAINE IS GR8
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
