There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
