Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
